So Sinful; So Pure

I finally have some time alone after parting with my mom. She flies from Spain to Asia while I take the train from Barcelona back to London and will fly back to the states tomorrow. 16 days ago I was walking in Amsterdam’s Red Light District and encountered a prostitute.

I was visiting that district as a routine must-do task since it is world famous. While I briefly walkEd past the district, I didn’t expect much other than some red windows with some girls behind flaunting their assests. It was her who made me slow down my pace and watch.

In fact, it was at noon on the 30th. The district was nothing like what i saw on the photos; it was deserted. I suppose most girls have gone home for new year, or maybe nobody works in the daylight.

There was only one window with a girl behind. Black top black panty, natural hair unmangled by style and a face untainted by chemicals, she was a rare natural beauty. I had an urge to take a photo but refrained, as the image was being edged to my brain. Unlike some prostitutes behind the glass windows (as I saw on photos) who displayed a bit over-the-top attitude, she was carefree, with a posture in the most relaxed position. Was her nonchalance due to her work becoming a mundane routine, or her pure state of mind? I couldn’t stop but waved “hi” to her. A smile and a wave back, she made me ecstatic.

Goodbye, Diva

As far as I can recall, glossy lip makeups became ubiquitous around 2000 (I was too young to remember any trend before that year anyway). When I was still a teenager with an open mind, I applied some shiny stuffs on my lips once. But I had stayed away from lip makeups ever since. My impression of lip makeups was nothing other than the sticky feeling and the ostentatiously shiny effect that screams attention. Thus, a few years later, when I was shopping for makeups to make a big deal out of my senior prom, I was looking for anything other than lip products.

However, only after a short while, I already let the very competent salesgirl put some colours on my lips. I could not discern nuances in colours very well under the Metal-halide lights in the Mall. But I was surprised that matt (non-glossy) lipstick had not become extinct! After trying on a few, she told me firmly that Diva (from the brand Benefit) was the lipstick for me. A salesgirl in the makeup counter who only focused on selling me one product was one in a million ten. I took her words and felt like hitting a jackpot.

First year of university, I felt disintegrated, part of it due to not wearing school uniform for the first time since three years old; the applying of Diva every morning, therefore, was a comforting activity. I wore it for the whole freshman year. I wouldn’t say I felt naked without it; but it did not make my lips any less nude.

Sadly, beginning of second year, I accidentally let the almost used-up Diva melt near a heater in ex-boyfriend’s apartment. I went to Benefit promptly hoping to get a new Diva.

“Diva was discontinued a while ago.”

I do not remember how exactly I felt. I was probably still confident that I could find a replacement. I promptly started looking for the same colour in Lancome, Chanel, Christian Dior, Max Factor, and you name it. I tried to look for a lipstick whenever I had chance: in grocery stores, in malls, in airports. Meanwhile, I was slowly convinced that no two lipsticks in the world were the same.

The search ended in a few months, when I finally found some from an online site. Although by the time I got a new one I already stopped wearing makeup, It was still nice to have one with me. I bought more than one expecting that Diva could accompany me until the end of my life.

Recently I was enlightened: lipsticks expire after a few years. Benefit stopped producing Diva either in 07 or 08. Any Diva being bought after discontinuation were born the latest in 08, mostly likely earlier. It’s 2011; all Diva lipsticks on earth are expiring; it’s time for me to discontinue.

Besides putting on lipstick, the only other cosmetic activity I do from time to time is plucking eyebrows. I started when a good friend/teacher suggested me to trim my dark and straight eyebrows when I was around 16. And since then I rarely let my original eyebrows see the light of the day.

Today, after months of not plucking, I observed those natural brows that are just like my character: stubborn. The barely bending lines brought out the curves of my round eyes through contrast. I took a good look of my un-mangled face and I put on Diva once again.

Once a Homeless

Last winter, on my way from U Mall to West Davis, I saw lots of bird gathering on the wings of a street light before taking off. The monochromatic silhouette created by the shape of birds standing on the dormant light contrasted nicely with the sunset sky of a continuum of orange.

Spring came, the sun set a little later. I came here again; But by the time the sun set, the birds were already gone. I regretted not taking a photo of that beautiful scene in Winter.

One spring night, I saw this bird standing on another street light closer to the Mall. The yellow street light was a warning that the sun had set and the birds should had been gone. However, this one was still here. So I took a photo of it. The sky was blue this time, complemented by the yellow hue from the street light. This photo was taken in Davis.

I came to this lovely college town in september 2006. Over these few years I changed, and I accidentally settled.

At the end of my senior year, I became so afraid of change to the extent of not willing to graduate. I spent a whole year trying to enjoy the every last bit of here. The unbearable lightness of being: I had to go.

So I packed my stuff in May 2011.

After getting rid of the lecture notes, 3 bags of clothes, a bag of shoes, a box of books, and a bunch of furnitures, I was left with 2 computers, some clothes and two pairs of shoes. I have as little as what I started with. I don’t know if I am ready to wander again.

But I promised myself that I will never carry more.

The Problem with Hot Shower

The vapor from the hot water diffuses from the water sprinkler to the bathtub all the way to the rest of the bathroom…And more and more vapor coming out crowding the rest of it, pushing the rest of the vapor to move away. The steam keeps circulating the fixed sized bathroom going from one place to another… Just imagine the vapor that was around the toilet bowl being pushed back to the bathtub…I feel dirtier after shower…

I Had a Fetish: Emasculating Men

I am quite an extreme feminist. I wanted everything equal. The world to me seemed like the battle between men and women.

First few weeks of my college life was a disappointment: women labeling each other whore; men rating women looks on scale from 1 to 10; women expecting men to pay on dates…How on earth do we expect society to take us seriously when we still expect men to pay?

I thought there was something that I could do to counteract these ingrained gender roles a bit: act like a traditional man myself and make men around me act like traditional women.

I started to swear more in front of men. I started to call men names such as sis, slut, lady; I never flirted with men; I started to rate men on scale from 1 to 10. I started to hold door for men. I tried putting makeup on them whenever I had the chance. I made them talk in higher pitch voice. I gave them compliments whenever they acted womanly. I made them pose for photos like a woman…

Maybe I was just being silly. I got bored of it and I stopped doing this…Now I am 22 and I just want admit that I don’t like sissy men…It was just a feminist scheme.

My belief on feminism starts to crumble. What’s the point of fighting for equality all the time when absolute justice never exists anyway?

Films

These days I rewatched a few Wong Kar Wai’s films and finished watching the Kieslowski’s films that I haven’t watched, such as Blind Chance. I haven’t watched so many films in several years. I still remember the day I was devouring the whole series of Dekalog at the desk of my dorm room.

My got my first strong impression of cinema from Wong Kar Wai, Betolucci, Hou Hsiao Hsien, Zhang Yimou, Ang Lee, and Kiewslowski. I later also watch many films by other directors but I have to say Wong Kar Wai has always been my favourite. I can connect to his film the most. At first I thought it was just the beautiful cinematography that enthralled me. But there is more: his characters are carefree wanderers; they are unable to commit to intimacy; they focus so much in the past that they usually overlooks the present. The feeling of loneliness, longing and nostalgia pervades in almost every film of his. People say he is just a hopeless romantic. He is not just that.

Days of watching films just remind me of how much I love cinema. I even dreamt of being a director once. But I didn’t choose an artistic path because I felt that I lacked the kind of creativity for it. Technique can be trained with practice, but not everyone has the vision and sense for creative jobs.

In the Mood For Love is the epitome of amazing films with minimalistic plots.

I Can Bike on The Street Forever

I learnt how to bike when I came to college. At first I was kind of clumsy, but I got used to it in a week and started to love it after half a year.

I can go out at 4am in the morning and bike. I bike when I am depressed. I bike when I am bored.

On a bike, I have to keep paddling to maintain the constant velocity, else the bike will eventually stopped by the friction on the road. I love that feeling of continuous paddling; I felt like I should be accelerating because I am putting energy in it. Yet, most of the times I am not; I just paddle enough to keep the speed. Sometimes when I could paddle in a way to keep the velocity very close to constant for a while, I feel that the bike will never stop. I love this sensation.